May 1 2017

I don't usually get upset with people doing stupid things, I've done a load of them myself, but a bunch of numptys were moving material while a table saw was running. Really bad idea. So, when the first hammer flew past my head I kind of passsionately muttered JESUS CHRIST!!! I felt bad right away, dad would have been disappointed had he heard, and mom, mom would have had a bucket of soap and a scrub pad threatening to wash my mouth out to scare me. Then... all of a sudden... HE was standing there, yeah, it was HIM. I didn't recognise HIM immediately, the blue jeans and t-shirt confused me and definately the steel toed boots threw me off. It wasn't even the wounds in HIS wrists, really, after 50 years in the construction industry, I've been pretty close to duplicating those myself. It was the calm and peace eminating from HIS being, oh yeah, and the halo, the halo kind of gave it away. I didn't know what to say... so I asked, "How's your DAD?" HE said HE'S been golfing ever since Mr. Palmer arrived. I thought God would just control the flight of the ball but Jesus says HE lets it fly where ever. If HE lands in the bushes HE just moves the bushes, HE tried burning the bush the first time but Moses showed up hoping to renegotiate the ten commandments. Then I asked if HE was there to take me, no, HE just wondered why I called. So I asked HIM, "How am I doing, why are we here, what is life all about?" HE smiled and said "That's easy, you're doing....That's when I woke up and saw the 2 x 4 laying beside my head, there was an eyebrow embedded in the end of it, looked familiar, even through the reddish haze of the blood streaming across my eyeball I'm pretty sure it was my DNA. The paramedics arrived, "Hey Jimmy, it's Tony's brother Ed again. Ed how are you feeling?" I looked up through my one good eye, " I'm good......I'm always good".
Have a great day
Loved

April 2017

There I was, moving across the floor, installing the hardwood planks. I had developed a good rhythm, spinning my mallet to the metal side to place the plank, setting my nailer in place, spinning my mallet to the rubber side to drive the nail. I was going at a good rate until the sweat was pouring off my bald head, I should have repositioned my glasses before they worked their way to the end of my nose. but, I did not. So, when they slipped off the end of my nose I was quick to grab them, maybe a little too quick, and, my mallet was rubber side down at the time. Yep. I smashed my forehead with the metal side of the mallet. Of course it had to be the worst spot to hit, although I'm not sure hitting yourself anywhere in the forehead with a metal mallet is going to do any less harm. I was bleeding profusely and, I was a bit stunned. By the time I realised what happened the scene had gone from looking like an accident to more along the line of a crime scene. To make matters worse I slipped on the blood and landed on my back on a tube of 10 second grab construction adhesive. Now I was stuck to the floor, I started to slide out of my t-shirt until I felt a sliver enter my lower rib cage, I had to slide back into my shirt to rid myself of the sliver. That's ok, I had a knife in my pocket so I was able to cut off my shirt. It's against safety rules to work without a shirt so I was going to have to go home and change. I had walked to work in the morning so I was walking home when the cops pulled up. They said someone had called them about a bloodied half naked man walking down the street, I did have to admit, that would be me. They asked me about the other guy, I said he was 18 inches tall, weighed about 4 pounds, had a steel skull and a rubber face. That's when they told me to get in the car.

Have a great day

Loved

March 1 2017

I am unable to come up with a new adventure so I will share a favorite of mine.

Katharine Pyle, “The Toys talk of the World”

“I should like,” said the vase from the china-store,
“To have seen the world a little more.

“When they carried me here I was wrapped up tight,
But they say it really is a lovely sight.”

“Yes,” said a little plaster bird,
“That is exactly what I have heard;

“There are thousands of trees, and oh, what a sight
It must be when the candles are all alight.”

The fat top rolled on his other side:
“It is not in the least like that,” he cried.

“Except myself and the kite and ball,
None of you know of the world at all.

“There are houses and pavements, hard and red,
And everything spins around,” he said;

“Sometimes it goes slowly, and sometimes fast,
And often it stops with a bump at last.”

The wooden donkey nodded his head;
“I had heard the world was like that,” he said.

The kite and the ball exchanged a smile,
But they did not speak; it was not worth while.

Have a great day

Loved
 

Feb.1 2017

I walked over to mom and dad's grave site yesterday. It was quite quiet in the yard, the only sound was my boots on the ground. I was trying not to wake anybody. It was hard to find their stone, I had a pretty good idea where it was but they were all covered in snow. I was just about ready to give up when I saw an "INI". I trudged through the snow and cleaned off the rest of the stone to reveal their names and dates and the rosary etched in the granite. The stone really looked good. I thought about leaving a snow angel but by the time you get yourself up afterwards there's not much of an angel left, so I stepped a cross into the snow. I asked them how I was doing and waited for an answer.  None came. I guess they weren't home. As I was leaving I imagined them saying...

Have a great day

Loved

Happy New Year!!!

That's not a good sign, late on the first posting.
Deanie and I are at an after Christmas, before New Years party. I've forgotten something in the car, I'm not one of those who worries about getting alzheimers, I've forgotten stuff for years, when I was young I used to forget to go to school some days, now that I think of it, that may have just been the excuse I used. It's -25 out and you can see some Christmas wrapping fly by so the wind is in the 30 to 40 km/h range, we're looking at maybe -39 wind chill, exposed skin will freeze in minutes. I only plan on being out for seconds, so I'm not putting on a 30 pound parka, my t-shirt will do. You know when they say, "All brawn and no brains", they had me in mind. Come on people! It's the middle of winter, it's Lumsden, it's Saskatchewan, who leaves their lawn sprinkler out. In defense of my eyesight, it was camouflaged by a light coating of snow. I went down like a ton of bricks, oops, I just thought of dad, I'm going to change that. I went down like close to 200 pounds of bricks. I still have the reflexes of a cat, ok, sure, a 65 year old cat, but, still a cat. My hands are still pretty quick, don't get me wrong they weren't all that fast to begin with. I never had the speed of a Wild Bill or Doc Holliday, Doc would have shot me 6 times before my Colt cleared leather and Hickok would have just used me for target practice. I did get my hands out in front of me though, too bad they ended up on either side of a tree trunk. It was my face that slowed the fall, slowed is the operative word there, according to Sir Isaac's law I was destined to contact the ground. Unlike a cat I prefer to land on my back , so I twisted my body around. Yeah, that only managed to give me a cyclone looking scuff mark on my forehead. My bottom hand hit the tree trunk and now was out of position to stop my fall. It was my elbow that brought my body to rest and drove my shoulder into the side of my head. Now, I could say I've never had a concussion but I think history would prove me a liar, so, when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel this time, I rushed toward it. You know what? It's just a bunch of stars circling around. When I came back there was a feeling of warmth on my left side. When you step in a pile of it, it's bad enough but when you're lying in it, yuck. I had to discard my shirt. So, I'm walking around in a daze, half naked, when the RCMP drive by. The officer is mumbling something about public intoxication. Ok, now I'm doing a sobriety test, the numpty asks me to close my eyes and touch my finger to my nose. I close my eyes, there's those stars again, but my nose is about six times bigger because it was the first of my face to hit the tree trunk, easy pass. He tells me to get inside. Gladly. It's nice to be warm again. Oh! Gotta go, I forgot something in the car.

Have a great day

Loved

December 2016

Why? Why would I do it? How stupid am I to be standing on the ice in the middle of Wascana Lake? I do have to admit I've always been impressd with that guy who walked on water over in the middle east way back when, but , come on, in the middle of winter walking on water in Saskatchewan is no big deal. Although, when the ice broke, it would have big a big deal if I had stayed on the surface. Here I am, I've broken through and slipped under the ice to a point I've lost the entry. It's not as cold as I thought it would be, I mean, my face is really cold but my body, not so much. My guess is the water hasn't soaked through my clothes yet. I could just set my feet on the bottom and push back up through the ice, that is of course, had they not decided on the 'Big Dig' when they drained the lake and deepened it by 4 meters. However, I was floating easily, must be the Goose Down in my jacket, and, there's a small pocket of air between the water and ice so my breathing is simple. I do start to panic and my life is about to flash before my eyes, but you can only read a novel so many times and I'm tired of that one. My face is really becoming numb. Then...I wake up. "Hawlayyoula!" How did you expect it to sound, my lips are frozen. It turns out, Deanie opened the window last night to 'cool down'. It's just unfortunate that the window is on my side of the bed, late night snow flurries have deposited a bank of snow upon me. The little pocket of air that made it easy for me to breathe is my sleep apnea mask. Deanie is still comfortably counting zzzs on her side. My shivering is shaking the bed pretty good, it registers about a 4 point 2 before she mutters for me to stop moving around. Of course, the shivering is uncontrollable so when she turns to punch me she's surprised to find her little fist in a blanket of snow. She notices the snow drifting in from the window. "Oops" is all she says. At least now she can shovel me out. Not quite yet though. She has to find the camera and get a picture, Mia loves snowmen.

Have a great day

Loved

November 2016

I'm walking across town to the emergency room at the general hospital, when
this older fellow notices that I'm carrying a step ladder. He gets up off his porch
and hobbles to his front gate. I'm thinking, he's either put a nail through the ball
of his foot or he broke his ankle when he was young and it never healed
properly, I decide on the later. I know this guy.
Oh. Sorry, you're probably wondering why I'm on my way to the ER. I
unfortunately put a piece of metal through one of my fingers and was unable to
extract it on my own. I know, you're wondering why I need a step ladder there? I
don't, it's the piece of metal that pierced my finger. Why am I walking? That's
easy, I couldn't fit the step ladder into the car.
 Anyway, back to this old guy, like I said, I know him. Well, I don't know his
name but I know his type. He's one of those "tough as nails" guys, and I think
this one might even be the hammer that hits those nails. His skin is like rhino
hide, he'll see a doctor once in his lifetime, at his birth. There will be one to
pronounce him dead too, but, because he's dead, technically that's still only
once. I can see he's broken his nose a couple of times, because it goes both
ways. Probably stuck his head in a bucket of ice to keep the swelling down, his
nose is still pressed against his right cheek. He's got a number of scars on his
head. It looks like his left ear has been frozen at least once. I'm sure he's
outdone me on accidents. He pulls out a cigarette, sure, why not blacken the
lungs as well. When he opens his mouth I can see he's only got two teeth, no
dentists in his life, probably pulls his own teeth with a pair of fencing pliers.
Even though one of the teeth is in the top and the other in the bottom, they are
not strategically situated, he wrenches his lower jaw to the left so he can hold
the cigarette between the two teeth so his lips can move while he talks to me.
That explains the orange stain running up the left side of his face to a discolored
eyebrow. He mumbles to me that he can free my finger from the ladder. Of
course, his left hand is missing the pinkie, the ring finger has only one knuckle,
the middle finger stops at the second knuckle, the pointer is intact, sans
fingernail. The right hand is practically a mirror image of the left, except, he's
only got a nubbin for a thumb on the right. It doesn't take me long to deduce his
method of freeing my hand from the ladder. He probably has one of those tree
branch cutters in his shed. Oh, sure, no need to walk to the shed, he has a pair
in his back pocket. I tell him my pain threshold is not high enough but he says
whiskey will take care of that. Did you guess? Yes, he has a bottle in his other
back pocket. I still beg off and graciously thank him for the offer. When I turn to
continue my walk to the ER he calls out to me...

Have a great day

Loved