June 7 2016

I've been cleaning out my garage. My half ton was absolutely full of garbage, there wasn't room for anything else, it was time for a run to the dump. I decided I would pick up a slurpee on the way home, being eco-friendly I decided to take my own cup to refill, besides I save 75 cents if I take my own cup. I threw my cup into the cab, then I got the great idea of being even more eco-friendly by taking my own straw as well. How was I to know that when  they say, "The straw that broke to camels back", they are talking about a slurpee straw. I threw it into the cab and the moment it hit the seat the brakes on the truck gave way and it started rolling down the driveway. I grabbed the side mirror and dug my feet in, unfortunately they don't dig into concrete and I was just dragged along. I could do nothing, it gained speed out onto the street and headed for the parked car on the other side. It hit the car, which, happened to be a Saturn, you know, the ones with the springy doors. There was no damage but the spring propelled the truck back across the street and up the driveway again. Of course there was a sudden change in direction and now instead of skiing downhill along side the truck I was being dragged back up the drive way. I saw the snow shovel beside the drive so I figured I could dive for it and throw it under the wheel, I figured right, I threw the shovel under the wheel just as planned. It was like a locomotive running over a nickel on the track, I now had a snow scraper instead of a shovel, and, it didn't even slow the truck down, I could have sworn it picked up speed. Actually I think I did swear when it hit the garage door and shattered it into thousands of little pieces like the way a windshield shatters, which was really weird, because it was a steel door. Then to make things worse it ran into the back of our car and pushed it out through the front wall of the garage just like it was going through one of those rice paper walls you see in all the Kung-Fu movies. The car rolled out through Deanie`s flower garden and out onto the swimming pool, which luckily was frozen. Now I figured if I carefully walked out onto the ice I could drive it off before it broke through. I was a little nervous, I can`t swim that well, I tried taking lessons once but they ended with the instructor stating, ``Some bodies are more buoyant than others``. Now as soon as I stepped on the ice it broke and under I went with the car coming down on me, only one thing I could do...I woke up.

Have a great day
Loved

May 2016

 I woke up in the middle of the night, Deanie's hand was planted right in the middle of my face. I raised it gently and pushed it toward her, it came right back and smacked me on the face. That's ok, I'll just use a little more of a push. I got a little more of a smack in the face this time. HMMM! Quite a bit more force this time and again more force to my face. It takes quite a bit to get me to the point of anger but I'm reaching it. I will need to use Albert's theory to estimate the amount of energy I will need to move the mass on my face the correct distance without throwing my wife right out of bed. I try and fail, the hand is still on my nose. This is going to take some discussion, I turn to face Deanie. What the...she's not there. You see I found this great deal on a pair of pyjamas, a buck fifty at the dollar store. It turns out the left sleeve twisted itself around my shoulder and cut off the circulation to my arm, it's dead from the armpit down. Deanie must be in the little girls room, I'll use the one downstairs. We don't turn lights on so as to stay in that night brain stupor, it makes it easier to go back to sleep. I always stay downstairs after using the little boys room, the bed is quite comfortable. I stumble around in the darkness, the bad news is I stub my little toe, good news...I found the bed. I lay down and snuggle in. I'M LAYING BESIDE A CORPSE! The last time Deanie decided to sleep downstairs was NEVER. Scared the you know what out of me, I have to use the little boys room again.

Have a great day
Loved

April 1 Be careful out there

Stop me if I've told this one.
In new homes, the painters paint the doors before they are hung in place. Once they've painted them they stand them up in the center of a big room balanced against each other in a precarious manner. We have to move them of course, to do our floor. We had a young gung ho fellow helping us one day and he gung ho-ingly grabbed the wrong door first. They began to tumble. We try our best to keep from doing damage when we work, I caught the first door with my left forearm and it slid down to my wrist, taking some DNA with it. I was able to lift my right leg to catch the second with my knee, I reached up in time to catch the third with the palm of my right hand. I know...I looked like the karate kid in a crane stance. That's when the fourth caught my chin and I dropped it to my chest. The fifth was brutal, it landed on the bridge of my nose forcing my head down...more like a Shaolin monk in a praying mantis stance. I don't recall, but, I was told the sixth and seventh crashed together on the crown of my head. When I woke up I found myself strapped down with what seemed to be 2 or even 3 rolls of duct tape. Some might think,"That's a cruel thing to do to someone who has just been injured." It turns out, it was an act of kindness, it was to keep me from rolling around in the back of the pickup on the way to emergency. The doctor was eyeing me over as he finished the last stitches, I could tell he was wondering what the other guy looked like and was expecting the standard "I walked into a door" answer. He didn't expect "I walked into seven doors".

Have a great day

Loved

I stepped on the scale the other day and realised creeping obesity had been doing some sprints, I felt it necessary to go out for a brisk walk. I knew it was cold and I should have known better when I opened the front door and even the air itself rushed in to get warm. Hey, "it's a dry cold" and "you can dress for it". I put on long johns, a long sleeve t-shirt, a sweater, a bunny hug (hoody everywhere else in the world), a fleece, a windbreaker and my coat, I looked like a sumo wrestler. All bundled up I drove down to the park to walk the lake. My scarf was pulled up over my cheek bones and my toque was pulled down to my eyebrows, the viewing slot didn't afford me the vision to notice the trees were bent over backward from the wind, had I not started out with it at my back I may have cut my walk very short. When I reached the half way point and turned back the wind hit me hard, bashing at my face and body, the "wind chill" caused the temperature to drop about 30 degrees. My breath froze my scarf to my face, ice cubes formed in my nostrils cancelling any sense of smell, my breath now had to escape through the crevaces between my nose and cheeks creating a fog, further deminishing my vision. My fingers and toes soon became so numb I lost my sense of touch. My head was so bundled I had no hearing. It was like I was moving through the park in a sensory depravation tank. Then it happened. Even though my already impaired vision was further distorted by the icicles hanging from my eyebrows, I'm pretty sure those were my own boots I saw in front of my face. That was just before I hit the ground. Black ice! Hey, I still have one of my senses, I bit my tongue on impact and I could taste my own blood, yeah, I know, that's not a new experience for me, that's a given, but I still don't like the taste. Vampires are just weird. So I'm laying on my back like a lady bug, my extremities are moving furiously but I'm not going anywhere. My coat is like the cloth version of whatever it is they finish snowboards and skis with, there's no friction, I'm motionless. I'll have to wait until someone comes along to push me to bare ground. That's a problem, it seems I'm the only numpty (only Scottish word I know really fits here) in the park today. Survival mode! I thrust my toque up into the air like a wind sock and wham, the wind catches it, it billows out like the main sail on the Santa Maria. Ha! I'm Sailing! Sailing across the ice to bare ground. Just call me Popeye.

Have a great day.

Loved

Feb 1, 2016

In my defense, January is one of the long months so my chances of getting through accident free were greatly diminished. I was working on a three story walk out and we were cutting outside on the third story deck. Yeah I know, very dangerous, especially when, you guessed it, no railing. You're getting ahead of me again. You have to know my saw was not close to the edge. However, every once in a while, when cutting, you hit a hard piece of wood and the saw kicks it back, it drove me back and whoop, right off the deck. I've learned through experience and was prepared. Ha, ha. I had tied a rope around my waist. Next time I'll use a bungee cord, the rope brought me to an abrupt stop and flipped me upside down. Now I was hanging a few feet above the ground and I needed both hands to unfasten the rope, so I'm looking at landing on my head.  It's ok because the yard slopes down to the creek behind and if I get myself swinging I can land on my back and slide down to the snow fence. It works too, unfortunately I whip through the snow fence like a pet through one of those doggie doors. Now I'm sliding out onto the frozen creek. When I come to a stop I'm splayed out on the ice and I intend to stay that way. This is a real good reason not to bite your nails, it is impossible to drag yourself across the ice with stubby fingertips. I have a pencil in my back pocket, I could dig the lead into the ice and pull. That didn't work. I also have a utility knife in my pocket (to sharpen the pencil). Snap away blades. Snap, snap, snap, snap. There's no utility to a utility knife when the blade is gone. Now let me tell you about some of my tools, I spend a bunch on the ones I use most often. My tape measure is one of those, it's hooked on my belt. It will do...military grade aluminum body, inch and a quarter wide titanium blade will stay rigid for 18 feet, the end hook fastened at six points for extra strength. Winch grade retraction spring. I slide it out and the hook latches the snow fence and .... bonus...I can watch my progress inch by inch or centimeter by centimeter if you prefer.

Have a great day

Loved

Happy New Year

It's not always my fault. Well...ok, I guess it is, but there's always extenuating circumstances. This is about one of those circumstances. The majority of our work is done in new homes, there is no lighting and the only electricity is provided by two electrical outlets. No, I didn't get a shock. I don't blame you for suspecting though. We do have to provide our own lighting. I was working on a set of stairs. Now. Let me tell you about this set of stairs, 17, that's right, 17 from top to bottom. Who builds a house that needs 17 stairs to get from one floor to the next, COME ON PEOPLE, give your heads a shake. What are you thinking? Of course I was at the top when it happened. You know when you have a big idea and that light bulb glows brightly above the head in the cartoons. Yeah, well that's not what happened. I bent over to examine the fit of the nosing I had just cut when my forehead touched the light bulb I had attached to the railing. O!M!G! We're talking the type of heat that gives Hell, arguably, it's most undesirable characteristic. You guessed it, it was a Hellogen bulb, yeah I know, right now you're thinking "Ed, you spelled that wrong". That's only because you've never rested your forehead on one. Oh no, let me tell you, it's the clowns who invented these things who spelled it wrong. Instant blister, and, not just where my forehead touched it, my whole head. Now I'm looking like one of those big headed aliens...except I don't have those spindly arms and legs, so I'm looking like an obese big headed alien...oh yeah, and I don't have those big black bulging eyes either, so I'm looking like a visually impaired, obese, big headed alien. I'm feeling faint, my brain takes over. "Not again, 12 or 13 steps I can handle, 14 on a good day, maybe 15 at my best, 17, not a chance". I black out. I come to. What a brain, it thrust my hand into the quick grab adhesive I was using for the nosing and grabbed a railing spindle. Ha! I'm still at the top of the stairs. The glue holding my hand to the spindle has advanced from the adhesion stage to the adhered stage, so I'm stuck here. Not to worry, I have a pry bar and rubber hammer at hand. I can pry out a filet or two and pound out the spindle. I'm on my way to the hospital any way, maybe they can remove it surgically. Now, I don't know if any of you know this about me, I don't like drawing attention to myself. To avoid attention I once walked halfway to the cabin from the little beach in inconspicuous silence ( I would have made it all the way except my little sister let the entire population know I had a fish hook in my leg). When I get to the hospital I plan on pretending the spindle is a cane, the big head might draw a few stares though.

P.S. This happened in December so I'm still accident free for 2016

Have a great day

Loved

Dec 1 2015

New home builders have a safety code to follow. One of the rules states there must always be a railing around stair well openings even if only temporary. If you think about it, there is always a moment between finishing the subfloor sheathing and the installation of the guardrail. This story is about one of those moments. You're probably thinking, "Oh, no!" Ed fell over  the edge. Well of course I did. It is amazing how fast the brain reacts to moments like these. The number one priority is to keep the skull from suffering any impact so it starts barking out orders to the different body parts. My right hand took first contact, placing itself on the first tread, a hard back twist and leg drive planted my left foot on the third tread. Physics follows Albert's equation unfortunately and the mass, (my body) and the velocity, ( the speed at which I was falling) produced too much energy for my poor knee to handle and it quickly buckled. I grabbed the hand rail, oh yeah, it hadn't been installed either, so. Continuing my descent, my right elbow hit the next tread, the brain barked out "back flip". Yeah sure. Almost though, my right heel caught the edge of the eighth tread but slipped off. "Splay! Splay!" was the next order. Good idea actually, my right hand touched the concrete first, then my right toe, a simple twist brought my left toe to the floor and my left palm came to rest next. Ha. In a perfect plank position. Nadia, in her prime, would have been impressed with the landing. The drywallers looked in awe at the disaster averted. So...I did a pushup...just to show off.

Have a great day
Loved