May 1 2019

I didn't have time to post in time to beat the first post on May 1. Louise is awesome, a little quick, but awesome.

Episode 14

Wallpaper

Yes, glorious wallpaper. I remember dad doing it back in the day, I don't remember mom helping though, maybe that's the secret. It might not be something you do with a spouse. I don't know if any of you have tried it, cut a piece, roll it up, spin it through a tray of water and hang it up on the wall. That's actually when the real fun begins, you have to squeeze all the air bubbles out, then it's not quite straight enough so you pull it back to straighten it and the air bubbles are worse, then you squeeze them just a little too hard and the sheet rips. That one gets ripped off the wall, thrown away and you cut another. The process starts all over again, by the time the room is complete you're pretty much down to each others last nerve, but even that subsides when you start studying the results. Just about when you're ready to forgive each other you notice the light switch...it's not there... it's buried under the paper! Somebody forgot to cut it out. A simple fix. I get my utility knife and a little metal square to keep the cut straight, the knife blade is a little dull from having cut in a room of wallpaper for the last 14 and a half hours. I have to press the blade a tad hard to get through the paper and then it happens. The blade catches the electric wiring...listen, I'm not that dumb, I had turned off the power. However, we had thought we were done and I'm terribly forgetful, we had turned it back on. The shock went up my right hand across my shoulders and down to the little metal square in my left hand. You must understand by now, this is no biggie, I've been shocked before, but the wallpaper, oh lord, the wallpaper, burnt from the floor to ceiling and across to the door casing! Jesus Christ...I not swearing... I'm praying my wife doesn't say the wrong thing.

Have a great day

Loved

April 1, 2019

Episode 13

A day in the life.

The alarm didn't go off. I was late before the day started. I jumped out of bed in a hurry and stepped on the clothes I left on the floor the night before. My feet went out from underneath me and I caught my forehead on the night table. I stood up in a daze and stumbled toward the closet, knocking one of the doors off it's track. I would have to have a quick bowl of cereal, but the milk was sour, ok, a piece of toast then. You're probably thinking I burned it, you'd be wrong, the bread was mouldy. No breakfast. Out at the truck I realise it wasn't plugged in last night, I back the car out of the garage and boost the truck. I make it as far as the corner when I have to help a neighbor through the heavy snow of last evening. Just as he gets going around the corner I find my coat sleeve is caught in his bumper, not to worry, there's a stop sign right away. Too bad for me he's one of those who goes through the stop sign like, well...it's not even there. I manage to slip out of my coat before he hits the thoroughfare, I watch as my coat bounces along behind his car. When he gets home tonight, if there's anything left, maybe I'll get it back. At work I find the shop has sent the wrong adhesive, once I get the right stuff I'll have to work twice as hard to get back on schedule. After work the roads are like a curling rink, I have to ease into a snow bank to prevent rearranging the side panels of a car that has lost control in front of me. My arms are burning after digging myself out but I finally pull up to my house. I plug in this time, then, like a numpty. I trip over my own cord and scrape my cheek on one of the thousands of trees the city has planted. I stumble into the house and drop to my knees exhausted. Deanie is at the kitchen counter, she calls out, "DADDY'S HOME". Two little girls bound out of their room, skip through the living room and dive into my arms with hugs and kisses. What a great day!

Loved

March 1 2019

Episode 12

The day I met Jesus

I saw Him there sitting by a tree
It looked like He was waiting for me
You look familiar, I said, do I know you
Maybe, He said, you look familiar too

Would you like to chat, He said with a smile
I thought sure, so I sat for a while
He asked what I'd like to talk about
I said, there's so much I haven't figured out

We've talked before to tell you the truth
I came to you often in my youth
I'm older now I don't call your name
I'd like to sometimes but it's not the same

I asked, is there something from me you need
Maybe some great important deed
He said, I did that, way back when
It doesn't have to be done again

You're tiring out my angels Ed
If not for them you'd long be dead
Be careful and kind is your daily task
Nothing more, that's all I ask.


Well, I guess it was too much to ask, because there I was standing on my roof removing tons of snow. I know, I know, I can remember at least one of you telling me I shouldn't be on the roof. Hey, listen, don't feel bad, I didn't listen to Jesus either. Anyways, I've already moved a couple tons of snow and have only a couple more to go when I lose my footing. I try to dig my shovel into the snow to slow my descent but it just jettisons from my hands somewhere into the air. Good news is I'm sliding at a relatively slow pace. Good news is the angle I'm on will bring me in close proximity to my ladder. Good news is I am able to snag the ladder when I hit the launch point from the roof. Great news is I'm on the ladder with a good grip. Bad news. The ladder is tipping sideways, sliding along the eaves trough. Option 1, my safety harness stops me before I hit the ground. Except, my safety harness is still hanging on the wall...in the store. Option 2, I could jump from the ladder to the trampoline and bounce off gently to the ground. Except, we don't have a trampoline. Option 3, the hot tub, I could land in the hot tub, after all, daredevils jump from greater heights into inches of water without getting hurt. However this February has been so cold the water is probably frozen, not only that, we got rid of it 20 years ago. My last option, grab the eaves trough with my free hand and try to stop the fall. I knew it was going to be tough to stop the momentum of me on the ladder with one arm, it was my weaker one at that, but it stopped. My ego swelled at the accomplishment. That's when I heard Deanie's voice. "What are you doing lying on the snow?" It turns out the snow I had piled from the roof was built up to the underside of the eave and the ladder was now leaning against it, it had stopped the ladder. I simply rolled over and slid down the slope to Deanie's  feet. "You're not leaving that there, I can't see out the front window."
Where'd my shovel go?



Loved

Feb 1, 2019

EPISODE 11

Don't you just hate it when...

You wake up in the morning, it's an exciting day. If you can make it through the day it will be 30 days without an accident, breaking your record of 29. Now, instead of feeling sheepish when saying " I've gone a whole month without an accident," because February is the only month that fits, you can add September, April, June and November. Of course, you're aware that you have to wash the windows inside and out today and the ladder incident of last year is still fresh in your mind, but, that's a whole other story. You're ready today, you bought two extension poles, one with a scrub brush and the other a squeegee. There will be no ladder today, both feet will be planted on solid ground.
You jump out of bed, grab a pair of socks and lift your foot to clothe it. You look at your foot back on the floor, sans sock. It looks back up at you, " Hey, I was just following the knee". "Don't put it on me ," the knee says," I haven't been that high in years, the chest would have to come down to meet me." " I'm all in," says the chest, " let's do this." Up comes the knee, the foot follows, chest dips to meet them, hands firmly hold the sock ready for entry. Somebody really should have said something to the ankle, he didn't do his part. Only the big toe caught the sock and the hands aren't letting go, I'm hopping on one foot across the room trying to regain my balance, it's not working, I'm heading for Deanie's chest of drawers. This is a monster of a piece of furniture, built to last, loaded with clothes and as immovable as a brick wall. To make matters worse, there's another identical right beside it. If I hit these things the outcome will not be in my favor. I veer to the right. Wham! Right into the laundry hamper, it's made of wicker. It explodes. Deanie lifts her head off the bed, night brain tells her there's a wicker quilled porcupine on the floor before she realizes it's just me, she goes back to sleep. I spend the next twenty minutes picking quills out of my side, it looks like I have chicken pox, only just on one side of my body. Tomorrow...day 1


Loved

JANUARY 1 2019

Happy New Year

Episode 10

The Christmas Season

I was hoping to ride out December on a sleigh but it was harder than I thought. First of all I wasted some time looking for reindeer, which are really hard to find by the way, then I realized it wasn't Santa's sleigh, it was just an open sleigh. I only needed one horse. We started out ok but it wasn't long before we threw a shoe. Farriers are another thing hard to find so I just grabbed another horse. This one was really distracted by the trappings of Christmas, it got caught up in the lights and then wanted a sleigh with the easy glide skis, I had to let it go. I put blinders on the third horse, that should keep his mind focused on the task. We were doing ok until we hit a patch of dry ground. I got out to walk along side the horse to make it easy but it made me feel lonely, the horse just ignored me, I can't really blame him, he didn't notice me, he had blinders on. We made a few stops along the way, the 23rd was a particularly good day. I even had a few people join me in the sleigh that evening. I abandoned the sleigh on the 24th to spend with my grandkids, and my daughter Heather kept me company until the 27th. Back on the sleigh I started making plans for the New year, I'm hoping it to be better than 18. I'll leave the sleigh in the snow and go on by foot...

Loved

December 01 2018

Episode 9

Working in the lab late one night

Sounds a little ominous. Was I up to some nefarious plan, ha, ha, ha.? Nah. It wasn't that kind of lab, it was a lab in a brewery, there were some test tubes and a few beakers, but there wasn't anything like a Tesla coil to shock life into some Dr. Frankenstein type creature. The day shift had just left for the night and I was to install a new vinyl asbestos tile floor for them. You read it right, asbestos. I installed a ton of it over the years, cut it, sanded it, even burned it off the floor at times, lucky I'm still walking the planet. Any way, that's why I was in the lab. This lab had one of those heavy metal doors, you know, the ones with that thick glass and the grid of wire mesh embedded in it. We had removed the pins and shifted it slightly to the side so we could end the floor halfway through the threshold. As I was laying tile some security numpty decided to enter the room through said door. We've all seen these security guys, they come in all sizes, the whisper thin little guy with the sinewy muscles, he's up and down you and has you on your back before you could explain you had forgot to remove the hat you had tried on before leaving the store. Then there's the ripped muscular guy who wouldn't notice you leave the store after forgetting about the hat because he's too busy looking at the reflection of his physique in the store windows. The old guy who is wheezing so hard after catching up to you, he has time to listen that you forgot you had the hat on,and, not only that, he's old enough to know it happens. This guy wasn't one of those, this guy could have been the Pilsbury dough kid's father. He was tipping the scale somewhere between OMG that's heavy and we're gonna need a bigger scale. This guy couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag, he wouldn't even be able to get his hand out because the opening would be too small and he wouldn't let go of the donut. To his credit, he realized his mistake immediately. Too bad he wasn't strong enough to stop the door, too bad he hung on to it as it crashed down on top of me, adding to its massive weight. S700, that's the adhesive we used to install VAT. It was a black emulsified glue that when it dried became highly tactile. I was able to role to my back before I hit the adhesive, had to protect my nose, you know. I'm not sure how heavy the door was, but the security guard was one of those 300 plus, plus pound editions, more on the softer side too. I became well imbedded in the glue. We had to cut my t-shirt off so I could climb out of it, it was stuck to the floor, along with a good amount of my hair, I still have a bald spot, it was the only way to get off the floor. I used to have long hair too. Some of it is probably still under the tile. The safety officer started shrieking at me for working without a shirt, I had to duct tape some paper sheets to cover my body to finish the job. Deanie just shook her head when I got home, my two little girls ran to get their paints.

Loved

November 1, 2018

Episode 8

 

The Fall of '67

Another summer at Antonini & Sons. I had graduated to scaffolding work now, probably because most the guys were afraid of heights. I hadn't reached that stage...yet. We were working on one of the Regina skyscrapers, we were right up at the top, twelve stories off the ground. I was trying to get used to wearing a hard hat, they are pretty good at protecting your head from nasty bumps but having those extra few inches of head can cause a lot of odd head movements and neck jarring. Scaffolding consists of a lot of uprights and braces and decks, as you move from deck to deck you must duck your head to get through to the next section. It's those extra inches of head that caused the problem and I didn't duck quite far enough. I almost knocked myself out, which caused me to lose my footing. Down I went. Now, the anatomy of a scaffold is such that you have a number of hand grabs to catch if you should be so inclined. I missed the first few but my head hitting one of the cross bars slowed my descent enough to give me a few more opportunities, my elbow got in the way of the next one, then my knee knocked me out of position for the next, I was upside down by the next but my shoulder slowed me enough to catch a brace. I had succeeded at the task of stopping my fall, and as if I wasn't already disoriented enough, that stupid hard hat that started the event caromed of my head on its way down. When the little stars faded I realized now I had to recover enough to climb to safety. Easier said than done, my right elbow had taken too hard a blow to be of any use and the pain in my left shoulder hindered movement of my left arm. I would have to hang on for dear life until some one could rescue me. It was probably only a few minutes but it seemed like hours before somebody came. I had my chin anchored on the brace using it to help my arms hold me in place. My forearms were burning from the strain and my wrists were aching from pain. I would lose my grip soon, my mouth was chalk dust dry, I was about to give up. Where was everybody, where were the firemen with the net I could drop into. All sixteen years of my life flashed before me. I was delirious...then...all of a sudden He was behind me, could have been Jesus, probably one of his angels though, and I heard his voice, "You okay, buddy". I was afraid to move my chin from the brace but I could barely see him out of the corner of my eye, he had to be floating in thin air. I felt a gentle peace flow through my arms. Then... he spoke again, " You can let go, you're only an inch off the ground". Like I said, I was delirious. 

 

Have a great day

 

Loved